Love, Loss and Forgiveness in a New Year

For many 2016 was a very very hard year.  I had hard moments.  The loss of my grandmother, financial instability and unrequited love.  However, I have been blessed beyond what I could imagine this year.  A new job, new friends and connections, creating and selling my artwork and books again.

With much success, there was much heartache.  With much heartache there were many blessings to follow.

I rang in the new year at home with my cousins.  I was very thankful for that.

This year has been a testimony on friendship and family.  Those that stay, those that leave.  The beautiful moments and the rocky ones.   I have been hurt and I have hurt others.  Many mistakes have been made. Assumptions have grown.  Emotions crossed many lines over time.

I have made beautiful connections yet those that I hoped would be a lifetime, have now fizzled as the seasons have changed.  I hold no animosity. I hold no jealousy nor anger. I send these acquaintances with much love and light to prosper in every relationship and endeavor that they may partake.

I am grateful for everyone person who has come into my life leaving a lasting impact.  I know that we cannot carry everyone with us on this yearly evolution of ourselves.  I pray that they leave me with things to consider and lessons to learn from.

The loss of my grandmother was a major event in our family.  Some have grown closer together and some have split further apart.  Our rock was rolled away and an empty space remains, that none of us are ready to fill just yet.

I hope that we can.  I hope that we can forgive one another and love one another as family and true friends should.

Jan. 2nd is the anniversary of my father’s passing.  It is a harsh reality of the finite life in which we live.  Even if lived with great love and abundance.  It leaves me no longer with grief or anger, but with the mission to learn how to grow and evolve from the lessons in which he has taught me.

I can’t guarantee a positive future for my family or friends. Things may grow or deplete.. who knows? I just hope that God blesses me with the tools to accept whatever love or negativity may come my way so that I can only answer with the language and actions of love in return.

 

Mindful Meditation: I have appreciation for myself, and all around me. 

 

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Love and Harmony

Mindful Meditation :
I create harmony and love in all my relationships.

I have not felt so much holiday cheer in many years. Since the loss of my father, incarceration of my brother, divisions within my family and my overwhelming duties as mini family care-taker, I have not had much cheer. Well I hold just enough for my mother and niece and nephew (who I am currently not allowed to see thanks due to mother who is in a tumultuous relationship). I even refused to partake in Thanksgiving this year in hopes to run away from the awkwardness of the holidays. I did not want to pick anyone up, drop them off, go to the store, be somewhere at a certain time, dodge questions about my family, witness odd family arguments or attitudes. I needed time for me.

My stepmother never calls or visits me but expects me to run errands for her or come to her house at the drop of a dime. She never brings my little brother to visit, I must always make the effort.

I am living in a time for change for myself. I am reevaluating relationships, myself and what I want for me in the future. I have friend who I always drive out of town to visit and bring gifts for her children and even have loss sleep and gotten in a wreck over in order to make it to a family function or event for her. Sadly I never get that in return and when you don’t have a husband and kids, your argument never matters in comparison to theirs because “you don’t have a family” (even of your life and family carries just as much responsibility while still being a single person.) We have in recent years almost ended our friendship and like any relationship I usually come through as the wrong doer or villain. I tend to exhibit this label in all my friendships. I guess I care in the relationship more to sacrifice my character for the good of others.

I constantly step on eggshells for people in hopes that I don’t do anything that “messes up” the relationship. I often ask myself, why do I do these things? Why sacrifice my happiness more than others? How maintain my happiness and my friendships?

Then I woke up this morning and found somewhat of an answer.

No matter what, I will send them love and create harmony in my relationships, while keeping me first. I will not worry if they get mad if I can’t make it or say “no”. I have to put myself first. My life, whether I am single or married. For so long I have put others ahead of me but now it’s time for me. Not to make myself a victim. If they don’t care for the change, I still continue to send them love and harmony.

Thank you for listening to my reflection. Peace Blessings and Happy Holidays.